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just to say [
March 2nd, 2010 ï 11:46pm
I realise that I havent posted anything in a while and I didnt want the most rrecent post on this thing to be a moan or something sad, especially since this might be my last post in a while.

So I just wanted to say.
 Im in love. And he is amazing. And he is neil.
0 comments | reply | edit | cliquemb

i don't know what to do [
July 9th, 2009 ï 5:56pm
i have a new boyfriend whom i like very much
actually i'd say i like like him because i think we're at that stage in our relationship
(he's said he loves me but i'm ignoring that for now so i don't get scared or anything)
but the truth is i'm also a little bit scared of him
and i don't know if i'm just over reacting but it feels like he bullies me sometimes
just whenever i slip up he gets really angry with me and its scary
i don't like getting shouted at so much by someone that i know can physically over power me
and he has a very short temper
apart from all that i do have a good time with him
just when we have a bad time i can't help thinking that it would be so much easier with someone else
i've never had to work out solutions for each others problems with someone else before
its always either worked really well for as long as it lasted or not worked well and therefore not lasted that long
but he's so insistent that he doesn;t want to break up with me that he's practically forcing me to work on this
and i don't want to break up with him because i want to give this a chance because of what i gave up for him but its so hard

but i dunno
maybe i'm just being lazy
but i'm not in love with him
and i think thats why it feels weird making this much of a comitment to him
because i kinda don't want to change myself this much for him
especially when he's the only person thats ever pointed out this as a problem to me before.
0 comments | reply | edit | cliquemb

i feel all ill and sick [
April 29th, 2009 ï 3:51am
and i should probably sleep but i feel i need to update.
me and neil are talking again. and he's supposed to be pretending to not like me. but its not working. but i really want to spend time with him. but i want it to be ok. cos i really like him and its just so complicated. and i wish i could just hang out with him without upsetting steven. i still haven't told him we're talking again. cos when i told him he liked me he freaked out a bit. which is understandable but i wish i hadn't told him now. its all crap. i feel really sick right now which isn't helping things. anyway i'm gonna concentrate on college just now and not bother about silly boys that ruin my life. i'm just really confused about how i feel about neil. cos he stopped txting me tonight and it kinda bothered me. and i know that he pulls other girls but its nothing serious. but that bothers me too. and i know i said i wanted him to. but maybe i really don't. but thats not very fair. because i have steven. and he can't just be expected to have no one and wait for me. i just get confused about what he wants from me sometimes tho. because what i have with steven is serious. like pretty damn serious. and i have no idea how neil feels about me. partly cos i don't want him to tell me but also cos he's kinda hard to read sometimes. and i don't want to take a chance and leave steven just to find that neil is only in it for the sex or something. he's one of these guys that lives for the moment and stuff. where steven likes to plan for the future and stuff. stevens really careful. i just don't know what i want. some days i think neil really likes me. like more than just a crush. but other days i don't think he's ever loved someone. or he has but it could never be me. he talks about his other relationships alot. but he never seems to have been inlove with anyone. maybe he thinks he's too young. so yeah. i just want to hang out with him without causing any tention between me and steven. cos things are hardr enough with us.
0 comments | reply | edit | cliquemb

April 15th, 2009 ï 1:48am
so i did it. and it was totally not when i expected it to happen. even tho i did expect it to happen. i was just sitting hin his car earlier tho. and i was like "why am i not so bothered by this?" and then i realised its cos it hadn't hit me properly. and then it did. so i had to leave so he didn't see me cry. and i didn't even give him a hug. i made him stop holding my hand cos i knew that wasn't helping. and i know i'll deny it but its true. i probably have been leading him on. why am i so stupid? i mean we were joking with the idea of never talking to each other again one minute. and then i got all serious. cos someone had to. and atleast if it was me then cos i can't be the victim in this. because its all my fault. and the worst thing is i know if i was single then we could be awseome together. but i'm not. thats how committed i am to this relationship. when commitment scares me. this is obviously how much i love steven. but i want to tell him. i want to tell steven all of this so that he can get an idea abolut how jard it is. but thats probably not a good idea. i probably wont do it. i don't know why i let these things happen tho. and if i was confused before about how i feel about him then i'm really confused now. i'm just worried i've made a mistake and fucked things up. but there was no way of finding out if i was making a mistake without making another one. and so i'm all depressed and stuff. i feel like shit cos normally i would have gone inside and he would drive home and talk to me online for a little while. but not tonight obviously. i don't know what to do.
0 comments | reply | edit | cliquemb

i need help [
April 13th, 2009 ï 5:14am
i must be seriously fucked up in the head. i mean. what the hell am i doing? i've been way down this road before with s=another guy so why would i want to do it again. i just sat in a fuckin car and cuddled him and held his hand and shit for hours. now i know that maybe sounds shit to you but this is not the kinda thing you do with a different guy when you have a boyfriend like mine. i just can't understand what i'm hoping to acheive at the end of this. cos if i'm not more careful i'm going to screw everything up. i just don't know what i want. cos when i'm with him its nice. and i'm just really scared. cos i'm having trouble with steven anyway. that has nothing to do with the other guy. and i think he might just be making things worse

0 comments | reply | edit | cliquemb

ok i think i really need to start acting more careful [
April 11th, 2009 ï 4:53am
incase i start liking him more than i should. because we went out the other day and i had an amazing time. like he is actually so great to hang about with. and when we got back to his friends flat we fell asleep on the sofa together. but nothing happened. he didn't try anything even though i was a little bit drunk. and it was just nice. so this is where i start to get worried. cos i know he likes me. even though i sometimes hope that he's gone off me and i'm wrong. but that hasn't happened yet. even though it should. but i don't know what to do. and i would wish that i was single if my boyfriend wasn't steven. because theres nothing wrong with him. i know that sounds bad but its only cos we've been together so long that we've kinda lost the excitement thing. but i still love him. and he loves me. and he would never cheat on me so i can't do it to him. even tho when i woke up on the couch i was facing the other guy and i couldn't help wanting to even a little. i just don't know what to do. i don't want to leave steven for someone else. but he seems to be getting pretty serious about us. and thats scary. because as much as i love him. i seem to have this constant need to feel independant. and when he gets into couple mode i just don't know what to do. i've been with him so long that the idea of a break up is very scary too. its just weird imagining what i'd do with my life if i didn't have him. even tho i want to do my own thing i've just gone so long with out having to so i don't know if i'd be able to cope. also the thing is, by the looks of things, i wouldn't be on my own because of this other guy. but i don't know if i'd be ready to get into another relationship either. but i feel bad right now for even being on this subject. i'm not gonna break up with steven for this guy because i'm not that kind of person. but at the same time i can't pretend that i don't care for the other guy. cos i worry about him. since he said he wants to wait for me then that makes me feel really bad. even though theres nothing i can do except break up with steven. so i'm in a really tricky situation. just in terms if how i feel. not what i'll do. cos i'm not gonna break up with steven just yet even if it means i feel bad everytime i'm with the other guy. i just wish there was an easier way to get round all of this. 
0 comments | reply | edit | cliquemb

where the fuck did all this come from? [
March 31st, 2009 ï 2:54am
you have no idea how much fail just happened
i was just typing a rant and due to my sheer moronism i managed to delete what i wrote
so i am going to sum it up in as little words as possible

mum- doesn't love me- loves partner more- partner lives with us again
neil- fancys me but i have boyfriend- gets paranoid to the point where i want to strangle him about me not liking him- i actualy don't like him as much as he wants me to
mark- emailed me back saying he didn't have time to make an effort to be friends with me again- makes me feel sucky
steven- i love him so much and i do want to live with him- but i'm worried that if i do then we would start to have problems and annoy each other- hes also been worrying about me getting upset which makes me feel bad about telling him whats wrong

yeah and basically its like i'm not allowed to be angry at anyone anymore
but everyone else is allowed to flip out or go in the huff or be depressed
and no one has time for me except steven
and he's the last peson i want to burden with all my problems

i really shouldn't listen to laura marling when i'm in this sort of mood
0 comments | reply | edit | cliquemb

wow [
January 4th, 2009 ï 7:47pm
[ mood | sick ]

okay so last night was weird
well it was actually this morning
but i don't normally do that sort of thing
and 'm worried that there's stuff i'll have forgotten

i was drunk
wasted actually i think
but i'm not sure
its cos cheesy and logan got cases of beer after work
and i hadn't eaten enough all day
and then we went back to ryans for vodka and kick and vk's
and then i put my foot down and said i had to go home
by this time it was like quarter to 9 (i finnished work at 4)
so logan walked me all the way home which took about 45 minutes
and its just so crazy
and i feel so sick now

i'm just worried incase i've made a fool of myself
i hope i have'nt
but apart from how i feel now i did have a good time
all we did was talk about music
it was great
just not healthy

i need to go fix my stomach now
it feels like its just finnished the fast spin on the washing machine


0 comments | reply | edit | cliquemb

January 3rd, 2009 ï 2:46pm
he's not answering his phone
so i'm stuck messaging marc (with a c) on bebo
trying my very best not to sound like i;m flirting with him cos i'm crap for that
0 comments | reply | edit | cliquemb

Contrary to popular beleif..... [
January 3rd, 2009 ï 1:43pm
i am in actual fact not obsessed with
a) Twilight
b) Edward Cullen
c) Robbert Pattinson
d) the idea of having a vampire boyfriend

popular beleif being the opinion of my boyfriend

my normal, mortal, omnivorous (sometimes) boyfriend.

he's coming over soon
well as soon as i phone him. but before that can happen i need to change out of my hideous jammies.

these jammies do not fall into the sexy sleepwear category
unless of course your over 60 in which case i'm probably indecently dressed

what bugs me most though is there is about 4'' at the bottom of the trousers thats a different matterial from the rest of it which makes it look like i've had them lengthened

as if they didn't look silly enough

but they're warm and they were an xmas gift so i will wear them.

anyway to return to original point
i am as a matter of fact reading new moon
and i am enjoying it
i stayed up till about half 8 this morning reading it

so as you can guess my little sleep bar is down in the red zone

still i must clear up the pigstye that is my bedroom

so yeah i need to go
will try and post later tho

i want so much to be a high school kid again
the grown up world kinda sucks

0 comments | reply | edit | cliquemb

i'm back [
October 7th, 2008 ï 1:05pm
wow it has been a while
but i'm back
cos i miss having somewhere to spill my heart into
so whats changed since my last post........
i'm fatter,
i wear more skirts
i'm at college
i am no longer friends with mark for complicated reasons
i have a real job
my relationship with my mother is close to breaking point
i comute for 2 and a half hours most days a week
and thats about it just now

on a happier note i am still going out with the amazing steven, i am still bffl with alana and i haven't grown up too much

i think of this as the series two of my life
where the main character has left highschool and gone on to the big wide world of colllege

also i shook hands with this nice polish guy today whose friends with alex from college who has really soft hands
its weird.

and also i had the weirdest dream last night
i dreamt that alex from the kitchen at work had a wee brother who was my age and he kissed me alot then smiled
then he went away and alex came in and hugged me then propossed to me. then his brother came back, saw the ring and went mental
it totally confused me when i woke up like

anyway i'm supposed to be doing research
so i need to go
0 comments | reply | edit | cliquemb

January 30th, 2008 ï 11:46am
i have a funny taste in my mouth cos i just drank a 5 alive
i know bad me 
i didn't finnish it though
so yeah today i have detention at lunch
then i need to run through my piano accomps after lunch :(
then i have work :(
and then i'm going to see steven which is good but yesterday he was acting strange
i kinda got the feeling that he knew something that he didn't want me to find out
and then sean was mentioned
which means mischa was atleast thought of
and it just kinda ruined my mood
but i couldn't tell him what was wrong in case i was wrong or if he didn't know
so yeah then i went home
ate too much
washed the dishes and was on the verge of freakin out to mark by text like i so often do
but he calmed me down
he's so adoreable
anyway then i went to sleep cause i was exhausted
but i didn't do any homework
so i have a complete candlestick tonal drawing to do for tomoro
and probably other stuff that i wont remember untill the last minute

i've gained a pound i'm sure
i think thats where the wee dial on the scales was at
i really need digital ones
but i've kinda grown attached to these ones
i thought my mum had thrown them out the other day
i almost had a heart attack
it turns out she just put them away in the cupboard
so i obviously returned them to their rightful spot under the bathroom sink

i so can't be bothered with school
it sucks
but mark doesn't want me to leave
and i can't anyway
i need my exams
and i have prelims soon

its so hard
i think i'm gonna go cry under a rock somewhere
0 comments | reply | edit | cliquemb

January 18th, 2008 ï 9:13am
Mishas coming over to stevens house tonight to discuss going to spain
i do want to go now
i don't think its weird
its just exciting i suppose

anyway she's coming over. which is good cause then i can find out how much money i need to save

i didn't snack at work at all yesterday
i was soooo hungry
and then when i got home and weighed my self i had actually gained weight
it insane

so i'm gonna try diet pills
i get paid in a week so i'll go to holland and barret after that and see what they have

i'm so tired
i've only been awake for about an hour
that's actually weird
and i'm at school allready
ah well
i didn't use my bus money so i'll use it tomoro

i have so much homework
like 2 and a 1/2 english essays
a tone drawing
a line drawing 
designer profiles
and maths objective test questions

it's crazy
i want to pass out
i decided to fuck today and i'm eating chocolate
i probably wont eat till tomoro night tho
so thats good

when i go to stevens house i don't allways eat cos he forgets to feed me 
so thats always good

anyway i have to go and pretend to my self that i'm doind this homework

c ya 
0 comments | reply | edit | cliquemb

January 9th, 2008 ï 12:38pm
the weather was crap this morning
it was all wet and windy
so i refused to walk
then i missed the bus
so i waited for the next one
but i missed that too
so i had to walk anyway
i'm such a dumb ass lol
anyway just now i'm looking at pretty icons to cheer me up
i don't know why i'm down
school just sucks
i can't be bothered anymore
and steven gets to be at home till half 4
i want to go spend all this time with him
he gets to sleep
i miss him

anyway i really love toothpaste kisses by the maccabees
its a pretty song too
the suns shining on me through the window now and its making me  miss summer soooo badly
i want to spend this summer with steven
it is my goal to actually keep a boyfriend that long
cos i really love him

my auntie asked me the other day if this was serious
and i said i dunno
but i think it might be
i just don't want to get my hopes up
but i do love him
and that will do for now

anyway i have to go visit the lovely boy now

look at skins icons
their cool

0 comments | reply | edit | cliquemb

why??????????? [
November 28th, 2007 ï 12:40pm

does it allways rain when i forget my umbrella

i only noticed i had forgot it when i was waitn for the bus  but by then it was too late to go back

now i have to walk to stevens in the rain
unless i can borrow alanas umbrella
but thats not likely

aaahhhhhhhhh well

lost 2 lbs yesterday

x mas dance soon and i need to lose weight

the ironic thing is i'm typing this while i'm eating a bag of french fries (the crisps)
but ther only 95 calories so thats not so bad

anyway i better go find an umbrella
i need to tell derek i can't make it to the matinee anyway


0 comments | reply | edit | cliquemb

i'm soooooooooooo tired [
November 23rd, 2007 ï 9:58am
listening to whitney

yas! XD

cos i'm so cool

i need to do my english homework
i think i'll start at quarter past
i have to or miss leach will kill me

hopefully steven has a new bed
i should be seeing him at lunch time
and i'll just have to try and not fall asleep

yeah because thats what we do in his bed

this weekend
gonna be so busy

tonight i'm going to play pool at the creamery
and i'm gonna kick stevens ass

then tomoro i'm waking steven up early and we're going into edinburgh to buy me shoes
=D =D
then saturday night i'm going to mischas house to watch Hairspray
because i'm so cool
she was at fubar last night to see the venga boys

then on sunday i'm going to help deek out at the larbert op
cos he said i can help with the technical shit
for work exp

so giiid

oh yeah and i now officially hate sean
cos he came up to me before school yesterday and said "btw mischa totally fancies steven. isn't that funny"

and i'm just stunned

even ian was shocked

so yeah sean is a pervy bastard
0 comments | reply | edit | cliquemb

The Burning Red [
November 23rd, 2007 ï 9:49am
I see the sun begin to rise
And I'm blinded too
I've seen the world through jaded eyes
that I'm crying through
I've watched the darkness hypnotize
And can't fight it

Hold on I'm falling
Can't breathe anymore
An ocean has opened
These scars need to heal over

Caress the needle prick in my skin
The tears fell like rain
I've rode the Phoenix as she glides
And I've gone insane
I've seen the light of suicide
And I'm dying

Hold on I'm falling
Can't breathe anymore
An ocean has opened
These scars need to heal over

Hold on I'm falling can't breathe

Colder and colder
Just hold onto me 
0 comments | reply | edit | cliquemb

November 21st, 2007 ï 12:31pm

i'm probably infecting the school computers with a virus as we speak

cos i'm on a site finding out about weight loss

i was a total pig over the weekend

for a start i had alcohol on friday
and i didn't get drunk but i haven't had a drink in a while and you know that way when the room like spins alot
so i felt kinda dizy
just a little bit
then i was stupid and said to steven that i couldn't go home half cut
even tho i wasn't really half cut
and he laughed at me
its weird having a boyfriend thats smart

so yeah i wasn't drunk
and i stumbled home about 1/2 eleven
and stayed up till 1 watching tv
so ofcourse i felt crap on saturday morning

but i went to glasgow anyway
and walked around till i started getting these pains in my chest
so i got a sprite
then i iwent home
and went to stevens house
and stayed till like 1 in the morning 
i think we had pizza but he didn't let me finnish it

and i got a taxi home again
and this was even later
and i completely crashed on the sofa
in the middle of will and grace

then i woke up on sunday and my back was killing me cos i slept in my clothes and my belt was digging into my back
so i just vegged all day
cos i'm a lazy bastard
so i didn't go see steven when he finnished work cos i hadn't even had a shower
so my hair was all greasy

anyway i slept for like 12 hours
it was great
then i woke up and went to stevens house

lazy lazy lazy lazy

0 comments | reply | edit | cliquemb

November 16th, 2007 ï 9:57am

had a thought

i stick to my diet better when i'm with steven
dunno what it si 
i just do

it's ironic cos he's a chef
he says he wants to train my palette
sounds kinky :P

anyway lol
its probably cos i don't eat well
not just unhelathaly
but the food i do eat is not good quality
and normally cold because i'm lazy

he thinks i dont eat enough and i dont eat good stuff

its funny sometimes

atleast he's not worried yet

or is he?
cos i would eat for him if it stopped him worrying

i think mark might be worrying but i havent been to his house in two weeks so he doesn't know

anyway i need to go put a new sim card in my phone

0 comments | reply | edit | cliquemb

November 14th, 2007 ï 12:19pm
plans well easier today
3 days in
feels strange

anyway i got 9! yesterday
thats really good for day 2

i'm aiming for that today but i might have to deduct points for eating cos i had a snickers this morning
i was planning on burning it off on the way to school but it started rain ing so i got the bus
i'm deffinately walking tomoro
marks getting sad about it lol

steven told me he loved me last night
i know!!
anyway he actually said it this time
i didnt miss hear him lol
like last time
that was funny
but yeah so ofcourse i said it back

anyway i have to go do maths homework now
it's supposed to be for 6th
i might need to do it at stevens house

c ya later
0 comments | reply | edit | cliquemb

November 13th, 2007 ï 12:27pm
shoobi doo

some people on an ocd site hate me

i'm trying to be serious about ocd but if they react like that to my comments then it's kinda hard

there was some nice people that said i was lucky to have steven tho

and i so am
i'm going to see him soon

assuming that he's not at work

i hope he has a day off soon
i miss him

anyway whats new   lol

oh i'm making a mixed cd to do workouts to and stuff

should be good
i want to find the loudest, fastest most onscene stuff i can to piss off my mum

got detention tonight
and then i have photography and orchestra on thursday

busy busy busy

anyway emmas party was actually the shiz
i was a fairy
was gid
and alana said i looked like what she imagines the inside of my head looks like
tis probably true
anyway was good
bert kept putting his arm around me
and alana asked me if he was acting weird
and its not that
i kinda expect it now
so i can be better prepared unlike in the summer
but i think that he thinks that he can get stuck into me whenever he wants
even tho i have a boyfriend
just cos he cheats on his girlfriends
but hes a pig
and i should no better

but yeah
i hardly hang with him anymore anyway
unless i'm with my markoooos
so its not much of a problem

i need a job

and something to do on saturday night incase steven is workin

i wish he would actually get a proper bed
anyway rant over
0 comments | reply | edit | cliquemb

November 12th, 2007 ï 2:10pm
 oh so much fun

i have detention tomoro after school

tell me about it
anyway its cos i've been late to school alot lately

but thats only because its cold outside and my beds so comfy in the morning

it might also be because i've been more tired than usual cos i have been dieting

but i dont have time to go to sleep early
i have too much homework and house work

but anyway on a brighter note

i started the plan today
lets see how long before i forget to record my stats

nah i really should be possitive about it
thats kinda the whole point isn't it
a positive outlook on eating

anyway i was talking ot deek and he says he can get me a job backstage at the larbert op

thats great cos it'll be good work exp for my cv


sooooo cool
and it can help me get a portfolio

i'm gonna help with the xmas rehearsals

it'll be sooo cool

can't wait

0 comments | reply | edit | cliquemb

Writer's Block: Happy Halloween! [
October 29th, 2007 ï 2:12pm
Boo! How did you celebrate Halloween?
I'm not.
How about that?

<p><a href="http://www.createblog.com/graphics/" title="Avatars / Icons"><img src="http://cbimg6.com/graphics/07/10/22/40301c.jpg" alt="Avatars / Icons" /></a></p>
0 comments | reply | edit | cliquemb

yus lol [
October 23rd, 2007 ï 12:31pm
[ mood | happy ]

just found out amazing news 

we had some wee mad mental wifie come into school today to talk to us about student funding

and it turns out

by law

that your parents have to support you throughout higher education

if they earn enough money

so if my mum does earn enough money

but she doesn't want to support me

i'm gonna sue her



cos i will
I will find a lawyer

I'll get one on benefits or something


0 comments | reply | edit | cliquemb

BURN BURN for us for them for you [
October 9th, 2007 ï 12:37pm
[ mood | happy ]

but do you think
we've lost our minds
we can see 
through lies

'cos its no good
we're burning down
enjoy the flames
enjoy the sound

0 comments | reply | edit | cliquemb

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